It’s been a little over a year since the end of my first ever relationship. The first time I was in love, traveled with someone, met someone’s family, all of it. A year ago I was crying every hour, found it hard to get out of bed in the morning, and often felt a lot of guilt, regrets, and anger. Today, I feel different.
He’s no longer my first thought in the morning, or my last thought before bed. I no longer cry when I’m reminded him. And I no longer plan out a rekindling of our relationship as a coping mechanism.
A day after the breakup I was crying every hour. A week after the breakup and I was crying every day. A month after the breakup I was crying every week. 6 months after the breakup I was crying every month. And now, I’m not sure when I will cry again. It was a slow and painful process to get where I am today, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Some people get drunk to forget the feelings, or get with someone else to distract them. I wanted to slowly process it and give the relationship the respect it deserved. Although a slow process, I feel as though it is the only one that will allow me to fully and healthily get over my first love.
With all that said, it’s still sad sometimes. He still pops in my head every morning, and every night before bed. Sometimes it’s a brief memory, sometimes it’s a daydream. I still have my promise bracelet from him, and a thumb drive with all of our photos. Why? Because he and the relationship still mean too much to me and I can’t bring myself to throw them away. And I’m okay admitting that. I think we feel a lot of pressure to get over an ex quickly, as if they didn’t mean anything to us, but I’m here to tell you it’s okay to still miss that person that once meant everything to you.
My biggest takeaway is that you can love someone with your entire being and still not be right for each other. I loved my ex with all my heart and I still do, but that wasn’t enough. At the end of the day, our personalities didn’t mesh well. I wouldn’t want to love anyone but him, or look into any other eyes, or stare at the stars with anyone else. But take all of that away, and we weren’t having fun. No matter how much we loved each other, we both deserve to be in a relationship that also has genuine friendship. That was a hard pill to swallow, and it’s definitely sad, but it is true.
Although there is still sadness, there is also newfound peace and growth. I have reached a point in my life where I am no longer looking for love at every turn and dating apps no longer consume my day. I have continued to go to therapy and am realizing so much about who I am, and why I am that way. In doing so, I have been able to see my missteps in my relationship, and what I can do to make sure they don’t happen again. I’ve also learned that I have a long way to go, but I’m happy to go there.
I could go on for hours, but I’ll leave you with this. Trust the process, pain is temporary, and look back with a fond heart.
Happy Valentine’s Day
– Evan.
thisisevan717 