Heartbreak 1 year Later

It’s been a little over a year since the end of my first ever relationship. The first time I was in love, traveled with someone, met someone’s family, all of it. A year ago I was crying every hour, found it hard to get out of bed in the morning, and often felt a lot of guilt, regrets, and anger. Today, I feel different.

He’s no longer my first thought in the morning, or my last thought before bed. I no longer cry when I’m reminded him. And I no longer plan out a rekindling of our relationship as a coping mechanism.

A day after the breakup I was crying every hour. A week after the breakup and I was crying every day. A month after the breakup I was crying every week. 6 months after the breakup I was crying every month. And now, I’m not sure when I will cry again. It was a slow and painful process to get where I am today, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Some people get drunk to forget the feelings, or get with someone else to distract them. I wanted to slowly process it and give the relationship the respect it deserved. Although a slow process, I feel as though it is the only one that will allow me to fully and healthily get over my first love.

With all that said, it’s still sad sometimes. He still pops in my head every morning, and every night before bed. Sometimes it’s a brief memory, sometimes it’s a daydream. I still have my promise bracelet from him, and a thumb drive with all of our photos. Why? Because he and the relationship still mean too much to me and I can’t bring myself to throw them away. And I’m okay admitting that. I think we feel a lot of pressure to get over an ex quickly, as if they didn’t mean anything to us, but I’m here to tell you it’s okay to still miss that person that once meant everything to you.

My biggest takeaway is that you can love someone with your entire being and still not be right for each other. I loved my ex with all my heart and I still do, but that wasn’t enough. At the end of the day, our personalities didn’t mesh well. I wouldn’t want to love anyone but him, or look into any other eyes, or stare at the stars with anyone else. But take all of that away, and we weren’t having fun. No matter how much we loved each other, we both deserve to be in a relationship that also has genuine friendship. That was a hard pill to swallow, and it’s definitely sad, but it is true.

Although there is still sadness, there is also newfound peace and growth. I have reached a point in my life where I am no longer looking for love at every turn and dating apps no longer consume my day. I have continued to go to therapy and am realizing so much about who I am, and why I am that way. In doing so, I have been able to see my missteps in my relationship, and what I can do to make sure they don’t happen again. I’ve also learned that I have a long way to go, but I’m happy to go there.

I could go on for hours, but I’ll leave you with this. Trust the process, pain is temporary, and look back with a fond heart.

Happy Valentine’s Day

– Evan.

Quarantine Reflections

The world is looking pretty bad right now. The corona virus has reached the United States, and a lot of cities are going into lockdown, mine included.

Living in Los Angeles I’ve always had things to do. Whether it’s go to the mall, movies, bowling, or Disneyland, I’ve been constantly busy the last couple of years, and my only downtime has been by choice. Now that school is online, and all of my favorite activities are shut down, I’m locked down at home with a lack of things for my mind to consume; and for someone like me that can be dangerous.

If I’m itching for something to do, and I don’t have anything to do, my mind gets bored. For me boredom equates to sadness. Maybe that’s because my resting state is a little bit sad, and that’s very telling. It’s easy to be happy when you’re surrounded by people and mental stimulation, but when you’re just alone with your mind; that’s when you see how you’re REALLY feeling. That’s not to say I’m sitting around crying, it just means I think there’s a lack of fulfillment with myself.

So what can I or we do with this observation? Dig into it. When we are left alone, what are those 2 or 3 reoccurring thoughts? Channel those and find a solution to work on improving those negative feelings and thoughts. For me it’s been my weight and dealing with loneliness. Now that I have pinpointed the negative thoughts, I can use my boredom and surplus time to work on them.

Today I finally decided to go for a run, it not only made me feel better about my health, but also helped me feel great about being alone. Being alone doesn’t have to be a bad thing! Running and walking to my favorite songs alone feels awesome. I feel like a great way to deal with loneliness, is to treat yourself nicely during that time. Dance, take selfies, do face masks, and have a good time in your own company. I love to pretend I’m in the opening of a cheesy movie dancing in the mirror to music.

I think I definitely lost a few people there, but to wrap this up, I think this time we’re in could be a great time for self reflection and betterment. Don’t sulk at home in boredom and restlessness. Use it for good and try to practice some healthier habits. Stay safe, be nice to cashiers, and wash your hands!

Musical Memories

It’s crazy to me how many emotions one song can trigger.

I played this one song on the way home from work and so many memories, emotions, and overwhelming feelings hit me in an instant. Happiness, warmth, and love; all feelings the song reminds me of, but now it triggers feelings of sadness, loneliness, and saudade. It’s unfortunate that a song that once carried such amazing feelings, is only able to make me feel the opposite. It’s almost too much to handle. I can look at photos and feel fine, but a song brings me back to an exact moment in time and all the emotions associated with that moment.

I think it’s overwhelming because your brain is tricked into thinking things are how they used to be for a split second and then it’s gone. It sends your body into shock; feeling hundreds of feelings all at once. For this reason I’m scared of these songs that do this to me, which breaks my heart because I wish I could listen to them and only feel the good parts. Good hurts sometimes too.

We run from our emotions sometimes by keeping busy, avoiding things that remind us of the bad emotions. But when that song comes on the radio, without our permission, the feelings we feel are pushed to center stage. No longer can we deny the feelings deep down, but we have to face them all over again.

A picture is worth a thousand words, a song is worth a million memories.

Dream or Nightmare?

For I’d say the past month, 80% of my dreams have my ex-boyfriend in them somewhere. Some of them i remember more, with him having an important role, others being less memorable.

Last night the dream was very scattered. A lot was going on, however he was there; and it ended with him ditching me to go on vacation with someone else. There’s always a part in the dream where we reconnect, but it always ends with him ultimately leaving like it happened in real life. Sometimes the dreams are him and I just standing there hugging each other, those ones are the hardest to wake up from. I wake up emotionally exhausted, tired, and sad. Each dream with him makes it feel like salt is being poured in the wound and I have to go through the emotions all over again.

I don’t even know how to explain my feelings. Beneath the sadness is just this empty, heavy-hearted feeling. Like I’m carrying around this cement heart in my body and it’s weighing me down. It’s hard to move on, when I’m seeing him every night in my dreams. I hope either one day the dreams stop and I begin dreaming about someone else; or that the dreams stop because I reach peace with him in real life.

I google “what do these dreams about my ex mean” to try and find answers, but i know the answer. I love him, I miss him, and I want another chance with him. I wish my dreams could get the memo that I already know this; for now let me heal and grow then send him into a dream in 7 months when I am ready to face it.

I wrote a post a while ago and I said something that still sticks; “the happiest dreams are nightmares in disguise”.

Attachment Problems

I have attachment problems. What this means is that in many of my relationships, I have this deep fear of abandonment, lack of trust, constant need of reassurance, and other toxic traits such as; controlling behavior, jealousy, and desperation. This is all caused by trauma early on in childhood, and even as infants. I think many more of us have attachment problems and disorders than we may think.

My parents have hated and resented each other for as long as I can remember. I think somewhere in the midst of their fighting, I felt neglected and unimportant. Between my parents’ over-reactive tempers, my moms health problems, and overall family discord; my ability to trust, connect, and manage negative emotions was severely damaged. No amount of therapy can fully heal me from this, or rid me of the attachment problems. I think a little piece of me will always feel insecure, un-trusting, and unsafe. But that doesn’t mean I can’t learn to manage it to a point where it isn’t an active issue in my relationships.

I’m not writing this to blame all my issues on my past, I’m writing this to explain where my problems stem from, to gain understanding, and maybe help other people see why they experience similar issues. I blame my attachment problems on my upbringing; but I take full responsibility for how I’ve managed those problems and how they affect those around me. I’ve always knew deep down that my childhood must have caused some sort of issues with me, but I haven’t had the chance to see them so clear until recently. I once heard someone say “it isn’t until you’re sitting across the table with someone who has very few issues; when you are finally forced to look at yourself”. Before Noah, the people I went on dates with had their own set of issues that didn’t allow me to fully see my own toxic traits. But during and after Noah, my set of problems are clear as day.

My attachment disorder is a deep deep wound that might very possibly be a part of me forever. However, the controlling, angry, jealous, and untrusting behavior is not. Mark my words, those traits will not be with me forever. I will still experience jealousy; I will still have problems trusting; I will still want to control things that are out of my control; but I will lessen those feelings, and manage what is left of those feelings in a way that does not negatively affect the people I am in relationships with. Whether it’s friends, romantic partners, or coworkers. I’ve seen the negative consequences enough in my first relationship to last a lifetime, and these problems will not get the best of me to this extent ever again.

I know it will take time and growing pains to grow, but I am ready. I don’t expect to be 100% better in 3 months, or 6 months, or even a year, but I do expect to see change that proves I can only get better with time. I hope my therapist Christine is ready to dig even deeper than we have been, because I want to get to the bottom of this.

Money Love

There are two things in this world that make you feel free; money and love. You can buy anything, do everything, and go anywhere when you have complete financial freedom. You can get through anything, feel amazing, and feel whole when you have love. Unfortunately, you can’t buy one with the other.

It’s always said that you need to put your career first, become rich, worry about yourself only, and you’ll be successful. That’s what I would like to do, however I run into a problem when I picture myself in a million dollar home and no one to love.

It’s very bizarre because before I found love, I would think about winning the lottery and be completely overwhelmed, and actually say “I don’t think I want to win that much money because I don’t know what I’d do with my life”. Then when I was in the midst of being in love, the thought of winning the lottery was really pleasant and made me excited. However now that I don’t have that love, the thought of winning it sounds dreadful again.

What this shows me is that money doesn’t mean a thing when you don’t have love. The last thing on earth I want is to be surrounded by money, and still be alone. At least when I’m poor and single I can focus on earning money. These two freedoms go hand in hand; when you have money you want love, and when you have love you want money.

True happiness is having both. I’m curious what happens then. What happens when you’re free financially, and happily in love with another person. Is it then that you are able to sleep at complete peace with yourself? It sounds materialistic to say you need money to be complete happy, but it’s true. No one working 60 hours a week minimum wage, struggling to pay rent, and not going on vacation is THAT happy.

I guess I’m just worried that one day when my career is taking off, and I’m financially sound, I’ll be laying in bed still sad that I have no one to come home to. Part of me finds security in having love before success, because it means even if I fail, I’ll still have someone there to make me feel free.

Run Don’t Hide

Often times when we hear “run” we think “run away”. But what if it meant “run to”. If something scares us, challenges us, or makes us uncomfortable, maybe we should run towards it instead of away from it. The things that scare us the most are the things we need to confront and go after.

Sometimes I focus too much on the scary journey that would get me somewhere, instead of the feeling that I’ll feel once I get there. I know I need to push myself and find an internship; but I’m scared of not being good enough, being rejected, and not succeeding. The gag is that I have a 0% chance of getting that opportunity if I don’t try at all. If I go for it and succeed I’m where I need to be; if I go for it and fail I’ve gained experience and knowledge that can be used for next time.

When we think of all the things we are hiding from, it’s likely things that need to get done. This is where procrastination comes in; the long we hide and run away from these things the worse the thought of them make us feel, and therefore we run even further from them. I want to challenge myself to run towards the things that make me nervous and scared, because those are the things that will have the biggest payoffs.

Start with something small, and keep going from there. Last night I decided to go for a run and be healthy again. I had been avoiding exercise for the longest time, hiding from it. I couldn’t exactly “run” from running, so instead I hid with my potato chips. Shallon Lester ok YouTube said something similar to “it you’re putting off exercising or doing something, skip the anxiety, and think about how you’ll feel after. You’ll feel pretty good after; so think about that and then go do it”. That’s what I did and it worked, I felt like I succeeded.

It’s easier to hide, or run away from things that scare us, but I promise once you conquer that thing, you’ll feel 1000 times better than you would if you stayed at home and did nothing. So in 2020 let’s run towards, and stop hiding from the things that will help us succeed in life.

New Year

This year was pretty amazing despite recent events. I got to fall in love, see Lady Gaga in concert, go to a new University, and have lots of fun with amazing people around me.

Some people look back at their year and feel sad because they didn’t do enough, or experienced a lot of sad times. Other people like me, look back and feel sad because I experienced good times that I won’t get to experience again. I think one day I’ll look back at my year and feel happy because I know my next one will be just as amazing; but right now I’m not too hopeful. I think I’ll have a good 2020, but for different reasons.

This year had so much learning, firsts, and growth. Part of me looks back and feels like it might be one of the best years of my life; there were ups and downs, but the ups were just so awesome that I look back and feel so nostalgic about everything. However the reality that this fun wont continue is what makes me wonder how 2019 could be the best year ever.

It feels sort of like I went on an amazing vacation, and now I’m traveling back home to normalcy. It makes my heart heavy when I think back to memories like Las Vegas or Oregon; they feel so real in my head, almost as if I can grab them and travel back in time to those memories. But when I open my eyes and remember I’m right at home, my stomach sinks and my heart sighs. That’s what I hate and love about myself, I make every good moment an amazing movie-like experience. I take normal good moments, and multiply it by 10000 till it feels almost impossible to experience ever again in this lifetime.

For instance my first “I love you” to a boy was planned so that it was after we had jumped off a waterfall in Oregon, swam a little ways into complete quiet, and said it to each other while standing on a rock in a single shimmer of sunlight. Straight out of a movie! How am I ever supposed to top that? Not to mention find someone who actually makes me feel that way. When some memories are so good, it’s hard to move on from them because they feel like something that should be honored, cherished, never forgotten, and grown upon.

So even though 2019 was an amazing year with a lot of good memories and a decent amount of bad ones, I hope one year I can have one even better. So whether you lost someone you love, had an amazing year, or had a lackluster year, let’s try an make 2020 all about growth. If you work on yourself in any way, you’ll never let yourself down or give up on yourself. Here’s to having a Happy New Year!

Change

Today marks change. Today I’m going to start practicing healthy methods in improving my life, and becoming a better person. Yes I’ll still be sad about losing my love, but I will not dwell on it every second, and only post about him. There will still be poems or posts if something really hits me, but now is the beginning of focusing on me.

I have so much love inside of me, and I wanna let that shine instead of all the sass, anger, and pettiness. Tomorrow I go back to therapy and begin the process of dissecting my past, present, and future. With her help I hope to gain new insight on how to manage my issues, grow away from them, and grow towards a better happier life.

Wish me luck on this journey, and I hope I come out of it in 3 months, or 6 months, or a year, like a nicer more calm Evan. I’m not saying I’ll be fully healed in 3 or 6 months, because this is obviously a lifelong goal of bettering myself. However, I want to see a lot of change, and growth, in terms of my most toxic traits. My main goal right now is learn and succeed in managing my anxiety, anger, jealousy, and control problems; because those are the most detrimental to the people around me.

I will update this blog after ever therapy session as a log for my progress. I’m excited for this path of growth, and i hope it might inspire some of you guys to tackle things in your life as well.

Sincerely, Evan.

Lonely Night

Tonight is just one of those nights. I’m laying in bed alone, and all I want is to be cuddled up with a cute boy petting my hair and rubbing my back.

I’m not sad, just lonely.

I wish I could feel the warm presence of someone who loves me, and holds me like they mean it. Someone who looks at me as I look at them, and in that moment feel indestructible.

Everyday that isn’t spent in the arms of my future love, feels like a day that was restricted from being the best that it could’ve been.

I don’t need love or cuddles to be happy. But I need love and cuddles to be at 100% happiness. So many things contribute to our happiness and the meaning of life. Finding that romantic soulmate is part of it, so without that, part of me will always feel like something is missing without it.

As Lady Gaga says, “I don’t wanna be alone forever, but I can be tonight”