It’s been about 5 months since I experienced my first heart break. During those months I went through periods where I thought I had finally moved on, but time after time i realized I had never truly moved on from him.
Not a day has gone by where he didn’t at least cross my mind. Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m not obsessively thinking about him, but as each day goes by little memories or smells take me back to the time when I was getting to know him. In those moments I get sad.
The reason I’m writing about him today is because he was in an all too real dream of mine last night. It went a little like this.
I messaged him on instagram, and to my surprise he responded back saying he missed me. During The next scene in my dream He showed up to my house to take me to Disneyland. We talked about how much we thought about each other during these past months, and how we wanted to just be together. He then asked me to find him a disneyland sweater, so I rushed upstairs to fetch him one. We then had an amazing time at Disneyland, we rode splash mountain, and then we got home and he texts me saying he doesn’t deserve me. I assure him we are made for each other. Of course I texted my best friend an update. In that instant I wake up with feelings of longing and abandonment. I look around and realize it was a dream. It hurt.
We never got a chance to be in a relationship, but I had gotten to know him enough to know he’s what I want in a person. Through the hours of FaceTime and moments of holding his hand, i felt a connection i had never felt before. But that seed never got a chance to grow. This idea of what could’ve been, what should’ve been, is what stops me from moving on.
I date other people hoping to find someone or something that is just as amazing, something that fills me with the same butterflies I once had, but those short lived romances shatter as the reality hits that im not in the arms of him, but rather a complete stranger.
I see his name on Instagram and imagine he feels the same as I do in this very moment. I hope when he views my story he’s wishing he was there with me. But then i take a deep breath as I remember I’m just a distant memory in his busy life.
As a tear runs down my face, im reminded of the memories I had, the memories I wanted to have, and the memories I will never have.
I miss you more than I could’ve ever imagined.
Edit: 7/17/19: Damn I’m dramatic. I miss him a little bit, but not that much!
Song of the day: “little talks” by Monsters and Men