Feel The Moment

Today was a crazy day. Long story long, I went to a water park with some friends, lost a backpack with important shit, had a breakdown, then had the stuff returned in a Denny’s parking lot, then pigged out on Jack in the Box.

I didn’t post anything, I didn’t really text anyone, I just had a crazy upside down day with laughs, screams, and singing in the car.

What ended my day is what meant the most to me.

Typically after dropping my friend Maddie off at her house, I’ll play my “love songs” playlist, and make an 11:11 wish for love. It’s my routine for my car ride home. And I’ve been following it strictly in hopes that it will bring something to me.

However, I turned on the radio and out came “I just wanna feel this moment. Da da daaa daaadaa nanananana” you know how it goes.

It made me so happy, and I decided to play it all the way home instead. When 11:11 roles around, I wished for eternal happiness, not a love story. I smiled and danced in the car all the way home.

Tonight, I decided to feel the moment.

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Fuck that

So it has been two months since I’ve gone on a date, downloaded a dating app, or had any kind of male attention. During that time, I had felt like I was watching an invisible timer waiting to go off which would allow me to again join the dating apps. I kept itching to get back out there and go on the apps. So finally i felt like I wanted to again, so I did.

Uploaded my newest pictures, tacky bio, and began swiping. I got matches pretty quickly, but decided I’m going to let them message me first. Of my 6 hours, I got 30 matches, and only 5 people messaged me. Those 5 conversations, were all so dull, and lead to nothing worthwhile.

The matches and stupid chatting didn’t give me butterflies, or make me excited, but rather made me disappointed that this is what I was doing with my time. Online dating was supposed to be fun, but after 6 hours, I realized I don’t want this shit.

Francis? A “coffee connoisseur” who probably only cares about being trendy and would’ve ghosted me the second he found out I liked dancing to Lady Gaga.

Blake? A skater boy who says he wants a relationship, but actually wants sex and has no business pretending to be emotionally available.

Kenneth? You’re here for an internship that your daddy got you, and will move back to New Jersey in a few months.

All these boys on these apps likely don’t know what they want, or don’t have the time or attitude to maintain what they want.

There may be a few good guys on there, but I’m not about to dig through endless piles of garbage to get to a diamond only to realize I’ve become garbage myself in the process of doing so.

So you know what? Fuck that.

Breathe Again

I’ve been killing it lately. And by “it” I mean life.

Well, kind of. My instagram is fierce, I’m a skinny legend, GPA is at gas price level, everything is good.

However, I’m a little fucking lonely. I haven’t gone on a date, held a hand, shared a kiss, so much as even talked to a boy, in a hot minute. I had gotten so used to that feeling being there at a moments notice, that it’s gonna be awhile before I’m finally 100% okay without those feelings.

It’s all worth it though, because the feelings that came along with the good ones, were not healthy or desirable. I can honestly say I didn’t like the person I was becoming or the feelings I felt. Because now I’m starting to feel like myself again.

The game of trying to force something, and constantly looking for it is finally over. I gotta let the universe do its thing. Some thoughts from the past still linger, but it feels like I’ve finally come up from the water to breathe again.

SONG OF THE DAY: “IDGAF” by Dua Lipa

Addicted to Love

I’m addicted to love. Well not exactly, I’ve never actually been in love before, rather I’m addicted to the feelings of infatuation, and validation that being with someone brings.

Since a very young age I’ve been obsessed with the idea of a forever soulmate, happy family, and eternal love. This probably stems from the lack of this in my own family life.

This addiction hadn’t become a problem until I started dating last year. After my first heart break, I became obsessed with dating apps, talking to people, and finding someone to cling on to next. I wanted to feel that rush again, and i wouldn’t stop until I felt the instant high that romance gave to me.

However after every high, came an extreme low. I pride myself on not drinking or doing drugs, but I’m no better, I use people to get that high.

This has caused me to feel loneliness whenever I am alone. I can’t have that in my life anymore. So today marks the start of my withdrawal from all things romance. Dating apps at least, if Prince Charming wants to run into me at school and sweep my off my feet I’m here for it.

SONG OF THE DAY: “Toxic” by Britney Spears

Let him Go, Let me Grow

It’s been about 5 months since I experienced my first heart break. During those months I went through periods where I thought I had finally moved on, but time after time i realized I had never truly moved on from him.

Not a day has gone by where he didn’t at least cross my mind. Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m not obsessively thinking about him, but as each day goes by little memories or smells take me back to the time when I was getting to know him. In those moments I get sad.

The reason I’m writing about him today is because he was in an all too real dream of mine last night. It went a little like this.

I messaged him on instagram, and to my surprise he responded back saying he missed me. During The next scene in my dream He showed up to my house to take me to Disneyland. We talked about how much we thought about each other during these past months, and how we wanted to just be together. He then asked me to find him a disneyland sweater, so I rushed upstairs to fetch him one. We then had an amazing time at Disneyland, we rode splash mountain, and then we got home and he texts me saying he doesn’t deserve me. I assure him we are made for each other. Of course I texted my best friend an update. In that instant I wake up with feelings of longing and abandonment. I look around and realize it was a dream. It hurt.

We never got a chance to be in a relationship, but I had gotten to know him enough to know he’s what I want in a person. Through the hours of FaceTime and moments of holding his hand, i felt a connection i had never felt before. But that seed never got a chance to grow. This idea of what could’ve been, what should’ve been, is what stops me from moving on.

I date other people hoping to find someone or something that is just as amazing, something that fills me with the same butterflies I once had, but those short lived romances shatter as the reality hits that im not in the arms of him, but rather a complete stranger.

I see his name on Instagram and imagine he feels the same as I do in this very moment. I hope when he views my story he’s wishing he was there with me. But then i take a deep breath as I remember I’m just a distant memory in his busy life.

As a tear runs down my face, im reminded of the memories I had, the memories I wanted to have, and the memories I will never have.

I miss you more than I could’ve ever imagined.

Edit: 7/17/19: Damn I’m dramatic. I miss him a little bit, but not that much!

Song of the day: “little talks” by Monsters and Men

Control Crash

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you’re driving, then suddenly you lose control and you crash? Then you wake up and assume that it’s a sign you lack control over your life. Well that actually happened.

I was driving home from work at 11 after a long day of school, and then I pulled out of a driveway and just ran into a street sign and ended up on the pavement of the center divider. I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t smoking, I wasn’t texting, the car just took off and the wheel didn’t turn how I wanted it to, and I ended up crashing into a sign and being stuck.

I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know why it happened, but I look back and feel scared.

Scared that the repairs to the car will be costly, scared that I will have all my privileges taken away from me, and scared that things could’ve been much worse. My family isn’t rich, and over the past 6 months we have had two cars die on us. It’s kind of ridiculous our luck with cars.

However this crash wasn’t a dream, but it felt like some sort of sign from the universe.

The universe wasn’t saying that I don’t have control over my life, it was saying that I need to let go of control. I’m constantly struggling to control every aspect of it, to the point where I’m not enjoying the moment anymore. And that’s a valuable wake up call I needed.

So no, I didn’t have a dream bring me to this realization, but rather a real life sign from the universe. I’m scared to drive again because I don’t want to ever make a mistake like this again, so maybe I’ll put the control in Uber.

Wow this blog post was supposed to sound a lot better and more meaningful, but it’s kind of a hot mess, just like me.

SONG OF THE DAY: “The Sign” – Ace of Base

Best Friend.

So here I am sitting in a face mask, alone, in a quiet room, at 11:11, feeling good about life, but also confused on where it’s going. But what brings me to write this post? My friend Madelyn.

I stopped scrolling through Instagram, and twitter, stopped thinking about boys, and just decided to look at my camera roll. I first watched this video of us on our way home from a college tour. In the video, I was just laughing, she was laughing, both in a state of delirium, from a long day. Watching this moment unfold just brightened me up, almost instantly.

I then lingered to a video of us dancing to “Vogue” by Madonna. It showcases us doing a tacky dance with obnoxious mannerisms, in true Evan and Maddie fashion. We both looked fierce. It was by the third video that I sort of got really happy and started to cry. In this last video she was sitting there across the room from me just yelling and sticking the middle finger up at me. In the video I laughed, and as I rewatched the video I laughed. I realized this girl makes me so happy.

I watched just 3 small clips totaling about two minutes, from the last week of our lives together, and it made me so happy. As I laughed I thought about all of our times together. All of the lip syncs, comedic skits, and SNATCHED selfies, and it made me realize that she is happiness. Even when she’s cussing me out and sticking the middle finger up at me.

I just get her and she just gets me. I can fully be myself around her and we’ve become mere reflections of each other. I’ve told her this, but I beg that my friendship with my future partner will be even just 50% of the friendship that we have. Unfortunately we can’t be lovers, but I hope she will be there when I do find someone that makes me as happy as she makes me.

We have four quadrants to our heart. I give one to my mom, one to my little sister, and one to Maddie. My last one is for the person I walk down the aisle with.

I know I don’t say it enough, but I love you Maddie. My 11:11 wish this night is to have you in my life forever.

SONG OF THE DAY: Anything Lady Gaga, or having to do with friendship.