I have attachment problems. What this means is that in many of my relationships, I have this deep fear of abandonment, lack of trust, constant need of reassurance, and other toxic traits such as; controlling behavior, jealousy, and desperation. This is all caused by trauma early on in childhood, and even as infants. I think many more of us have attachment problems and disorders than we may think.
My parents have hated and resented each other for as long as I can remember. I think somewhere in the midst of their fighting, I felt neglected and unimportant. Between my parents’ over-reactive tempers, my moms health problems, and overall family discord; my ability to trust, connect, and manage negative emotions was severely damaged. No amount of therapy can fully heal me from this, or rid me of the attachment problems. I think a little piece of me will always feel insecure, un-trusting, and unsafe. But that doesn’t mean I can’t learn to manage it to a point where it isn’t an active issue in my relationships.
I’m not writing this to blame all my issues on my past, I’m writing this to explain where my problems stem from, to gain understanding, and maybe help other people see why they experience similar issues. I blame my attachment problems on my upbringing; but I take full responsibility for how I’ve managed those problems and how they affect those around me. I’ve always knew deep down that my childhood must have caused some sort of issues with me, but I haven’t had the chance to see them so clear until recently. I once heard someone say “it isn’t until you’re sitting across the table with someone who has very few issues; when you are finally forced to look at yourself”. Before Noah, the people I went on dates with had their own set of issues that didn’t allow me to fully see my own toxic traits. But during and after Noah, my set of problems are clear as day.
My attachment disorder is a deep deep wound that might very possibly be a part of me forever. However, the controlling, angry, jealous, and untrusting behavior is not. Mark my words, those traits will not be with me forever. I will still experience jealousy; I will still have problems trusting; I will still want to control things that are out of my control; but I will lessen those feelings, and manage what is left of those feelings in a way that does not negatively affect the people I am in relationships with. Whether it’s friends, romantic partners, or coworkers. I’ve seen the negative consequences enough in my first relationship to last a lifetime, and these problems will not get the best of me to this extent ever again.
I know it will take time and growing pains to grow, but I am ready. I don’t expect to be 100% better in 3 months, or 6 months, or even a year, but I do expect to see change that proves I can only get better with time. I hope my therapist Christine is ready to dig even deeper than we have been, because I want to get to the bottom of this.