Body Image.

Body Image Issues

I think everyone struggles with how they view themselves, and if you don’t, well you’re extremely lucky.

I don’t sit here and beat myself up over the way I look on the daily, I actually think I’m pretty cute and at a good weight. Most of my problems come from when I look back at older photos.

As I said, I think I’m pretty cute and at a good weight, and I’ve pretty much felt this way most of my life, even when I wasn’t at a healthy weight. For my whole life I would get in front of the camera, take selfies, post selfies, and really believe I was THAT bitch. But the more I continue to evolve myself, the more I look back and feel sad about who I was.

This might sound dark, but I look back at Instagram and Snapchat posts from a chubbier Evan and think “who the fuck did you think you were, its embarrassing, you thought you were all cute but you weren’t”. This thought process makes me sad, because I don’t want to have it.

If I were to ever start gaining weight again, would I hate myself because I looked like the person I used to be?

Another scary thought is, will I look back on myself today in a year and be embarrassed of the way I looked?

It’s just sad, because I look back on Snapchat videos of myself having fun and remember thinking how amazing I looked, and how people must find me so cute. But now I can no longer see the beauty i was once able to see in that video. It doesn’t make sense how I can completely hate the way I looked, when there was a time when I completely loved the way I looked.

Body image a constant struggle. A constant fear of, will I wake up today and look skinny, or will I wake up and feel like a bloated pig?

I just wish to see the beauty in myself from these old pictures, and not feel such a hatred. Do I really love myself if I’m only loving the skinniest version of Evan? No.

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This post is a mess

I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel dead inside in terms of dating.

I used to have such a passion for it, going on dates left and right, enjoying my time with these strangers I barely know, but pretending we’ve known each other our whole lives. It was fun despite the eventual downfalls.

However recently, the thought of going on a date and sitting across from some stupid guy I don’t know and having some dumb conversation, makes me want to curl up in bed and go to sleep.

The weird part is that I’m still active on dating apps and looking for dates, but when it comes to the point where I have to go on the date, I’m just over it.

I don’t know if I’m just not as interested in these guys more recently and I just have to wait till I find someone I’m really interested in to feel that excitement again. Or if my body and mind really are just tired of dating.

I think the perfect word for it is disconnected. Upon further review I realized I only connected with 2 or 3 of the guys I’ve dated and the rest were just false. And in realizing that it’s made me feel totally disconnected from anyone I’ve gone on dates with.

Okay I just had an epiphany while writing this, but I think I’m actually finally normal. Meaning that I’ve just been going on dates and not feeling an emotional/intellectual connection. But rather than let the physical connection over shadow the lack of mental connection, I’ve been recognizing it.

Which means, I’m at a point where I haven’t felt the passion or excitement for dating in awhile, BECAUSE I haven’t gone on a date with someone who actually CONNECTS with me on an emotional and intellectual level. And since I haven’t felt that spark from a connection in awhile I’m feeling hopeless and that’s why I’m tired of dating. I’m tired of going on dates and feeling nothing.

So, moral of the story is that I either keep trying and hope I end up connecting with someone, or I just throw in the towel.

Call Me Pumpkin

I’ll admit, halloween has never been my favorite holiday, but it’s had its moments over the years.

It’s crazy how I can put on a slightly different outfit or persona and feel a completely different confidence than i would normally feel. It’s like I’m wearing a mask, yet there’s not a mask in sight.

For many many years I would go as a hockey player with a broken arm and a black eye. Nothing extreme, but for whatever reason that black eye made me feel like I was THAT bitch walking around school. I’ve also gone as a king, cowboy, firefighter, and this year a vampire.

I wore a leather jacket, bandana, and then did some blood, and fangs. And gosh darn it I felt like a force to be reckoned with. It’s still the same Evan, but the slightest eyeliner and blood made me feel like a new person.

I think the whole point of this is that going out of ones comfort zone is greatly needed. We only do this during Halloween, but I think it should be done much more frequently. This sounds dumb because what am I gonna do? Dress up as a vampire on a random Tuesday? I guess I’m just saying do a slight change and feel like a boss ass bitch…

Okay I’m coming clean, this whole blog post was just an excuse to showcase my bomb costume and photo.

This post is called “Call Me Pumpkin” because it was my grand idea for my friends Instagram post and it has me dying of laughter.

SONG OF THE DAY: “Judas” by Lady Gaga

We were Born this Way.

Today is a sad day. I had been seeing a boy who was really awesome, I felt not an ounce of anxiety, never questioned his interest or intentions, and it was everything I had every dreamed. It was the closest to Love I had ever been.

This was until it came to a surprising stop tonight. I called to talk as normal, and instead I was greeted with a sad voice. He tells me he can’t be with me, that being with me is a sin, and he will go to Hell for it. It’s not God’s plan for him. I stop in my steps, stunned, and instantly break down into tears.

This came as a shock as we had just talked about how God accepts him for who he is. And that the rest of his family will too. So to hear this the day after that conversation, confused me.

Of course I’m broken that this amazing boy is no longer in my life, but what saddens me, is that he is committed to living the rest of his life in the closet, and vows to never act on his temptations. He vows to live a life of lies, and sadness.

I truly can’t wrap my brain around, as I thought Christians could see god as being more loving than that, but unfortunately not him. It devastates me.

So tonight, as I cry into my pillow, I not only long for him again, but I cry for all of those who feel the way he does. I hope one day he sees the beauty in being Gay, and being yourself.

“It doesn’t matter if you love him, or Capital H-I-M” -Lady Gaga, Born this Way.

Is this Mutual?

When you first start dating someone, you get butterflies, you feel on top of the world, and every moment spent in their arms feels like a moment spent well.

When i feel this with a person, I can’t help but express it and spill my guts to the person. And nothing feels better than when that person reciprocates those feelings and makes you feel that much safer and important.

It’s powerful.

However, this takes a scary turn when the reciprocation comes at a lesser rate. I say “tonight was amazing, I cant wait to be in your arms again”. And they respond “I’m glad”.

Two words have never made me feel so dumb. When I say something sweet, I say it because I can’t bottle it up. I wish I didn’t want or need the reciprocated sweetness, but I do. I can’t help but feel I’m wasting my emotions on someone who doesn’t care. And it doesn’t feel good.

It’s likely all in my head, but it makes me question the mutuality to my relationship with the person. Makes me feel below them, and as if I’m desperately more into them than they are into me. Has me feeling sad.

They hold me, kiss me, look at me like no one else has. Yet I can’t get passed their lackluster text message responses to my feelings.

I’m not a brat, I’m not desperate, I just want to feel loved, and appreciated like any other boy would.

The lyrics to a Shawn Mendes song pop in my head as I sit here wrapping my head around my feelings.

“I need to know

If this is mutual

Before I go

And get way too involved

I want you bad

Can you reciprocate?

No, I don’t want to have to leave

But half of you is not enough for me”

So tell me, is this mutual?

Lonely Night

Tonight is just one of those nights. I’m laying in bed alone, and all I want is to be cuddled up with a cute boy petting my hair and rubbing my back.

I’m not sad, just lonely.

I wish I could feel the warm presence of someone who loves me, and holds me like they mean it. Someone who looks at me as I look at them, and in that moment feel indestructible.

Everyday that isn’t spent in the arms of my future love, feels like a day that was restricted from being the best that it could’ve been.

I don’t need love or cuddles to be happy. But I need love and cuddles to be at 100% happiness. So many things contribute to our happiness and the meaning of life. Finding that romantic soulmate is part of it, so without that, part of me will always feel like something is missing without it.

As Lady Gaga says, “I don’t wanna be alone forever, but I can be tonight”

Feel The Moment

Today was a crazy day. Long story long, I went to a water park with some friends, lost a backpack with important shit, had a breakdown, then had the stuff returned in a Denny’s parking lot, then pigged out on Jack in the Box.

I didn’t post anything, I didn’t really text anyone, I just had a crazy upside down day with laughs, screams, and singing in the car.

What ended my day is what meant the most to me.

Typically after dropping my friend Maddie off at her house, I’ll play my “love songs” playlist, and make an 11:11 wish for love. It’s my routine for my car ride home. And I’ve been following it strictly in hopes that it will bring something to me.

However, I turned on the radio and out came “I just wanna feel this moment. Da da daaa daaadaa nanananana” you know how it goes.

It made me so happy, and I decided to play it all the way home instead. When 11:11 roles around, I wished for eternal happiness, not a love story. I smiled and danced in the car all the way home.

Tonight, I decided to feel the moment.