Body Image Issues
I think everyone struggles with how they view themselves, and if you don’t, well you’re extremely lucky.
I don’t sit here and beat myself up over the way I look on the daily, I actually think I’m pretty cute and at a good weight. Most of my problems come from when I look back at older photos.
As I said, I think I’m pretty cute and at a good weight, and I’ve pretty much felt this way most of my life, even when I wasn’t at a healthy weight. For my whole life I would get in front of the camera, take selfies, post selfies, and really believe I was THAT bitch. But the more I continue to evolve myself, the more I look back and feel sad about who I was.
This might sound dark, but I look back at Instagram and Snapchat posts from a chubbier Evan and think “who the fuck did you think you were, its embarrassing, you thought you were all cute but you weren’t”. This thought process makes me sad, because I don’t want to have it.
If I were to ever start gaining weight again, would I hate myself because I looked like the person I used to be?
Another scary thought is, will I look back on myself today in a year and be embarrassed of the way I looked?
It’s just sad, because I look back on Snapchat videos of myself having fun and remember thinking how amazing I looked, and how people must find me so cute. But now I can no longer see the beauty i was once able to see in that video. It doesn’t make sense how I can completely hate the way I looked, when there was a time when I completely loved the way I looked.
Body image a constant struggle. A constant fear of, will I wake up today and look skinny, or will I wake up and feel like a bloated pig?
I just wish to see the beauty in myself from these old pictures, and not feel such a hatred. Do I really love myself if I’m only loving the skinniest version of Evan? No.