Dream or Nightmare?

For I’d say the past month, 80% of my dreams have my ex-boyfriend in them somewhere. Some of them i remember more, with him having an important role, others being less memorable.

Last night the dream was very scattered. A lot was going on, however he was there; and it ended with him ditching me to go on vacation with someone else. There’s always a part in the dream where we reconnect, but it always ends with him ultimately leaving like it happened in real life. Sometimes the dreams are him and I just standing there hugging each other, those ones are the hardest to wake up from. I wake up emotionally exhausted, tired, and sad. Each dream with him makes it feel like salt is being poured in the wound and I have to go through the emotions all over again.

I don’t even know how to explain my feelings. Beneath the sadness is just this empty, heavy-hearted feeling. Like I’m carrying around this cement heart in my body and it’s weighing me down. It’s hard to move on, when I’m seeing him every night in my dreams. I hope either one day the dreams stop and I begin dreaming about someone else; or that the dreams stop because I reach peace with him in real life.

I google “what do these dreams about my ex mean” to try and find answers, but i know the answer. I love him, I miss him, and I want another chance with him. I wish my dreams could get the memo that I already know this; for now let me heal and grow then send him into a dream in 7 months when I am ready to face it.

I wrote a post a while ago and I said something that still sticks; “the happiest dreams are nightmares in disguise”.

Change

Today marks change. Today I’m going to start practicing healthy methods in improving my life, and becoming a better person. Yes I’ll still be sad about losing my love, but I will not dwell on it every second, and only post about him. There will still be poems or posts if something really hits me, but now is the beginning of focusing on me.

I have so much love inside of me, and I wanna let that shine instead of all the sass, anger, and pettiness. Tomorrow I go back to therapy and begin the process of dissecting my past, present, and future. With her help I hope to gain new insight on how to manage my issues, grow away from them, and grow towards a better happier life.

Wish me luck on this journey, and I hope I come out of it in 3 months, or 6 months, or a year, like a nicer more calm Evan. I’m not saying I’ll be fully healed in 3 or 6 months, because this is obviously a lifelong goal of bettering myself. However, I want to see a lot of change, and growth, in terms of my most toxic traits. My main goal right now is learn and succeed in managing my anxiety, anger, jealousy, and control problems; because those are the most detrimental to the people around me.

I will update this blog after ever therapy session as a log for my progress. I’m excited for this path of growth, and i hope it might inspire some of you guys to tackle things in your life as well.

Sincerely, Evan.

Breathe Again

I’ve been killing it lately. And by “it” I mean life.

Well, kind of. My instagram is fierce, I’m a skinny legend, GPA is at gas price level, everything is good.

However, I’m a little fucking lonely. I haven’t gone on a date, held a hand, shared a kiss, so much as even talked to a boy, in a hot minute. I had gotten so used to that feeling being there at a moments notice, that it’s gonna be awhile before I’m finally 100% okay without those feelings.

It’s all worth it though, because the feelings that came along with the good ones, were not healthy or desirable. I can honestly say I didn’t like the person I was becoming or the feelings I felt. Because now I’m starting to feel like myself again.

The game of trying to force something, and constantly looking for it is finally over. I gotta let the universe do its thing. Some thoughts from the past still linger, but it feels like I’ve finally come up from the water to breathe again.

SONG OF THE DAY: “IDGAF” by Dua Lipa